For Jane…

I haven’t forgiven you for what you did
But that also means I haven’t been able to forget

My cheeks still feel the tear stains
like a rain soaked piece of canvas left outside for too long

I knew all along we were not meant to be
And yet, here I am, watching it in my head, one frame at a time
like an old classic

You taught me to dream, then you took it all away
And that’s when I understood what it really meant
to be Forced to dream of a new life

To push myself to soar so high
that your face gets lost in the shadows of the earth

Today, I found my Moon
Calm, very calm.

But the earth still lurks somewhere behind my back
haunting, threatening. Reminding me of its existence

In another universe, perhaps
In another, life I wish…

A quick view of what the web of tomorrow may look like.

Aurora (Part 1) from Adaptive Path on Vimeo.

‘Come back tomorrow evening…’

But I was not reassured. I remembered the fox. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed…

(The Little Prince)

I am getting married in six months… and I don’t want to. And its not because my boyfriend is not great. I just don’t think I am cut out for marriage. When I think of what life would be post wedding, I inevitably think about the arguments, the disagreements, how he would change from being a person who tries to self-improve to somebody who would give up trying and fall into a routine. I don’t have a problem with commitment, I never did. But deep down inside I am convinced that marriage take away more from us than it promises to give.

Over an year into the relationship and I can already see how some of the things he claimed to believe in are changing. I can already see patterns in his behavior that, despite his mostly accommodating attitude, seem to exude a hint of being stubborn just for the heck of it. I can also see how he has gotten used to having me in his life. I think most people stop walking that extra mile when they take their relationship for granted. Its humanly impossible to remain as excited about something as one is when things are just starting out. But I also know I am not the kind of person who can deal with somebody who refuses to make things work because he chooses to be stubborn about it.

But I guess things have reached a point where it is impossible to back out. I also know that things between us have reached a point where if I walk away, he wouldn’t put in too much effort into making me stay. This is not to say that there’s something wrong with him. I guess its just not as exciting as it used to be. And somehow I don’t think its the right approach to starting a new life with somebody. Its too negative to start with.

Save the Internet | Rock the Vote

Why are some of the best American television shows so visibly annoying and behind their times?

Prison Break

This is where it all started. When you’re sitting in company, it becomes exceedingly difficult to maintain a conversation if people around you start discussing tv shows you have no idea of. But more importantly, I had grown tired of being told that I ‘Must-Watch’ this show. So, around 2-3 months ago, I borrowed my friend’s Prison Break DVDs to catch up with what I had apparently been missing. Around 8-10 episodes down the line, a pattern began to emerge in the way the show had been put together, the characters became exceedingly annoying, and I couldn’t help but curse myself for having agreed to watch the show. Here’s how it works: you put together loads of characters, all struggling to survive in a prison, or a city, or a hospital (tick what’s applicable), besides the main central plot all the characters have their own little stories going on which are completely independent of each other (this also helps in ensuring the main story progresses at a glatial pace by providing a million distarctions that eventually get sorted out anyway) but influence their actions towards the main plot, good guys are made to look bad and bad guys are made to look good, all the characters believe things should be done their way so instead of quietly working on escaping from the prison, there are ego clashes all over which serves as yet another distraction from the main plot. All the characters are given strict instructions to maintain minimum dialogues so as to leave ample room for misunderstandings and miscommunications. Again, this helps to keep us from thinking about the main plot. There’s very little talking amongst the characters, most are just thinking out loud in their heads, and the rest are too busy either fighting their own battles or staring hard at one of the other characters in an attempt to scare them! Lincoln Burrows, the brain behind the escape, is prone to helping people irrespective of the trauma it causes him (and us!). In one of the episodes, somebody also mentioned how he had been going to a shrink so as to help him with this ‘problem’. Indeed it is a problem. Because, there were millions of instances in the show where all he really needed to do was to quietly walk away without sticking his butt into other people’s affairs, but Lincoln being Lincoln, he is made to go back, walk right back into trouble, just so that the script writers are able to introduce a few more distractions and issues which keep us occupied enough to forget about the main plot! Sick I say! By the end of this one, I was tired of all the characters and their immense ability to attract problems, their undying faith and dedication towards their egos, and their absolute conviction to leave everything unanswered so that the rest of characters can feel free to draw their own conclusions. Everyone in the show, though shown to be working together, is actually absolutely unaware of what’s going on, what needs to be done and where they want to be. Please, please people! TALK to each other, and occasionally finish your sentences so that the other person understands your motives! But then, how would the plot be stretched to at least 4 seasons?!

24

The first thing I noticed and probably even loved about the show was that everyone was in the loop as to what was happening, the situation was very well co-ordinated and the information exchange was accurate. Which meant that we could stick to the plot without having to worry about all the rest of the side crap stories. However, the most annoying thing about this show was Kim Bauer. She is whiny, annoying, stupid, very stupid, and just plain irritating. She is more of a distarction to Jack than anything else. She doesn’t understand a thing but pretends to have answers to everything. Anyway, point being, that I hate her. The fact that she is a blond seems to re-iterate the age old ‘myth’. However, I was happy to see that all the characters had cell phones on them which meant, things were communicated as they happened. No side stories after Prison Break please!!

Heroes

Everything that I’ve said about Prison Break, also goes for Heroes. I find it hard to imagine that these people with special powers, wouldn’t want to exchange telephone numbers and stay in touch! All of them seem to be operating independently, which like I said earlier, gives enough time to the creators to introduce as many distractions as humanly possible in one life!

House MD

By far the best show I’ve seen on television. Thank god for House!

One of my friends like to play the tit-for-tat card pretty often. I’ve been around her long enough to accurately predict when she is likely to try and ‘return the favor’. On most occasions, she has no real reason to believe she was misled, or cheated or maybe just made to feel as if life was unfair. She still chooses to strike back, perhaps because in her twisted head, she feels she was wronged. So for instance, if I cancel our gym trip on any particular day (irrespective of how valid my reason might be), it is almost inevitable that she would do the same the very next day. And the excuse is almost always work related. To me it just seems a bit odd as to how it is uniquely timed to coincide with the day I opt to drop out. As a result, we don’t go to the gym on two consecutive days, which in turn, completely screws with our work out routine and goals. By now its reached a state where I can accurately predict what’s coming. She seems to have this constant need to have the last word in almost everything, and even during the most mundane of conversations, when the issue has long been dead, it keeps playing on her mind till she is able to establish that she was right all along.

I have, several times, thought of bringing this up with her, of discussing this habit she seems to have. I am, at a certain level, quite convinced that we probably wouldn’t stay in touch once we move on with our lives. And I know the exact reason why I wouldn’t want to. This habit that she has, can be very annoying especially because I see her almost everyday!

Back when I was young, it was so much easier to talk to friends and tell them just exactly how you felt and then everything would magically get resolved and we’d all go back to being BFFs. With age, that essence of true friendship seems to get lost somewhere. People tend to internalise too much without feeling the need to come out in the open with how they really feel about something. They draw their own conclusions and keep disagreements and points of conflicts bottled up inside. Most of us, by the time we hit 25, acquire a certain rigidity of thought which only gets more fixed with time. Our experiences with other people, always advise us to be careful of what we say. Societal set ups dictate we maintain a certain level of decency in the manner we behave. There remains little room for introspection. Most friendships become a matter of convenience, because, well, lets face it, how many of us have the time to meet friends when all they want to do is ‘complain’ and point out our ‘drawbacks’? We keep ‘friends’ on the basis of their ability to accept us as we truly are. Which is also probably why, most of our friendships, the last bastion of purity in human emotions, seem fleeting and rather superficial, if I may.

Meet Kevin Arnold, aka Fred Savage. I wanted to marry Kevin when I was 11 years old! He was the epitome of true love and I watched The Wonder Years, one episode after another, truly believing that someday I’ll find a guy who is exactly like Kevin!

Anyway, I grew up, met other boys who were my age, (some were older) and forgot all about the ‘awkward around girls’ Kevin. Few years later, I discovered pictures of what Fred had become! No offense, but Fred, dude, you broke my heart! You should’ve stayed that young! Having said that, I still fancy the character he played. He almost never seemed to fit in with his kind. Always the underdog, you could tell he had a sensitive soul and was likely to grow up into being a multi faceted guy, who loved listening to music, was probably into quirky things, had an actual opinion on American politics and the fate of the Democrats, and perhaps genuinley cared about contributing towards making the world better in whatever way he could. I guess I could skip the part about what Winnie would grow up to be like… I didn’t particularly think too highly of her. Her character just wasn’t strong enough and besides, she always reminded me of Estella from Dickens’ Great Expectations, which some might argue, is a very desirable character in her own way, but they were both too much of a mind job in my opinion! And they didn’t express themselves well enough, which was part of the problem.

And then, a few more years later, I discovered John Mayer. Well, lets say I discovered his music, which led me to discover him. And the more I read about him, the more interesting he seemed. He is a singer/songwriter but there’s so much more to his music. He feels for what he does, and he doesn’t get too caught up either in the mush or in being anti-establishment. He’s an intelligent songwriter and I guess the most attractive thing about him is his conviction to positively influence as many people as possible. He’s a new age artist, with a very very strong online presence, and yet, there’s still something very ‘normal’ about him… He doesn’t seem ‘out of reach’ like most ‘celebrities’ do. And that’s very refreshing. I love his music… And I am incredibly jealous of his lifestyle! He manages to do everything that I’ve always ALWAYS wanted to do! I hate him for that! I’d love to meet him because, well, I just feel he will have a lot of interesting things to say! He is good looking… but I don’t think it’s a ‘crazy about celebrities’ thing for me. I adore him for being so talented and yet so, well, ‘normal’! And he is about two hours away from where I am right now… Darn!

ps: This post needs a small correction… I don’t think I’d like to meet Mayer… ever. You know how sometimes you imagine a certain person to be a certain way… and after spending some time together you realise you were better off without the reality check? I’d leave it at that… This way, I just keep liking him!

Watch how the expressions change! And the little one is pure evil! “Ouch! Ouuuch!! AAAAHH!”

I started blogging around three years ago, but had to stop because I was getting addicted to updating my page everyday. I liked the control it gave me over what I said and I enjoyed the attention I got from my fellow bloggers. I guess most bloggers are in it for the apparent fame and acceptance that comes with blogging. At a certain level, we’re all vain. Internet served a medium to get to as many people as I could dream of. And once you’ve established yourself in the blogosphere, you’re the only one stopping yourself. I loved the power the written word gave me, not that I always used it wisely, I did have my moments of weakness where I said things for personal reasons, but this time round, its different.

I’ve decided to go back to blogging because I wanted to express myself. For me, the smallest of things can trigger long moments of silent contemplation, and now that I have a lot of time on hand, this tendency seems to be on an all time high. I am aware of the fact that not many people look at the world like I do… that has been apparent for a while now. Also, there is no other human being, besides yourself, who can understand or accept you entirely the way you are. No friend, no boyfriend, no girlfriend and no parents. Its almost like each individual only understands a certain part of you… Quiet like high school. You’re being made to study all these different subjects, but you don’t necessarily understand or care about most? That’s how most of us are. We don’t understand most things about most people. But there are certain trends we begin to recognize with experience. Religion and how it impacts and influences the world, world politics and how countries are perceived not on the basis of what the citizens think, but what the ruling Government decides, cultures and how most people around the world are very similar in the set of basic emotions they experience and yet, made out to be so dramatically different under the garb of external forces like religion, practice and beliefs.

Most things around us are simple. Almost everything we do or see, has a very basic motive it can be broken down to. But somewhere, while we were busy getting caught up in the rhetoric of things, we lost touch with the simplicity of life. We complicate things because we like pushing ourselves to see how far we can go with living in shades of grey. We like to believe that things are out of reach because life is so complicated. We draw comfort from the fact that we haven’t achieved all those things that we set out to because, well, life kept screwing it up for us. But deep down we know most problems are temporary, we know ALL circumstances change no matter how miserable it feels at the time. And we know that we can get away by fooling the world about it because, well, most people don’t understand most things about most people anyway.